Note: Confection Deception has been indefinitely postponed.

Chew it Over

A day without something to ponder, one of those Mysteries of the Universe, is usually like a day without sunshine – when you’re someone who hates sunshine. Chewing over an often unanswerable question may not usually be for us metalheads, when it's so much more pleasant to fill our brains with the ear-exploding music we love. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't ruminate on certain very important issues from time to time. They could be sort of the mental equivalent of worry beads, a sort of mind-masturbation when we’re not otherwise occupied. So go forth, friends, and ruminate on these:

If you don’t make the bed in the morning, and no-one enters the room all day, does it still look messy?

If you headbang alone, and no-one sees you, are you still a metalhead?

If you arrive at an appointment early, can you accrue the minutes to extend your life?

My daughter thought the Heimlich_maneuver was called the Heimlich “Remover.” That’s a much more appropriate name -- after all, you are trying to remove something. Why can’t it be called that?

If you dress 20 years too young for yourself and no-one sees you, do you still look ridiculous?

If you don’t poison your lawn trying to get rid of the dandelions, will they grow bigger than your house and crush it to death?

Is it breaking one of the Ten Commandments (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCz0-HY1TLU) to covet thy neighbor's babysitter? (For your children! Get your mind out of the gutter!)

Do people who stand silent and stock-still at a concert enjoy it as much as those of us who headbang, jump around, play air_guitar and scream?

Why can’t multi-tasking include chewing gum, running an appliance like the dishwasher, and breathing?

Is your suffering worth it if it makes someone else laugh?

Do you believe in coincidences if you’re driving your kids someplace, they’re fighting like wild animals in the back seat, and Highway_To_Hell comes on the radio?

Why is it that no matter how early you plan to leave, you always end up leaving late?

Why is it that if you don’t R.S.V.P. the moment you receive an invitation, you wind up missing the “R.S.V.P. by” date?

Is women’s inability to lose weight as we get older due not to a changing metabolism and other biological factors, as scientists would have us believe, but to sheer exhaustion from having dieted from age 13 on?

Is Hell having your ideal job but only being allowed to do the paperwork that goes along with it?

Why do birthdays and holidays turn into punishment-fests when people insist on giving you useless and ugly gifts that will only annoy you by forcing you to 1) look at them; 2) care for them; 3) try to figure out when you can get rid of it without insulting the gifter?

Why do people go on vacations, which are for resting up from our regular life, and then spend so much time rushing around sightseeing, which requires energy and concentration – just like our regular lives?

Why do people relax by watching television shows depicting hideously unpleasant events (such as shows about pedophiles and murderers)?

Why, upon the birth of a child, doesn’t Nature endow parents with an endless energy supply, just like milk coming in to your breasts?

Why do we remember bad pop songs (http://www.popculturemadness.com/Music/) at least as much as the good ones? Is it because we didn’t think they were so bad at the time?

How can you enjoy a vacation when you know it’s going to end soon?

Why does society insist on perpetrating such hideous lies on children as, you can be anything you want to be, or keep reaching for the stars? Everyone has limitations, so it’s extremely unlikely that ANY of us could be ANYTHING, and after you get old enough, you know stars aren’t necessarily reachable?

And finally, the ultimate ponderable:

Why are we metalheads torn between frustration at others not understanding our music, not caring if they do, and not wanting them to understand?

©Naomi Godfrey 2008