Bust on a Leash

During a recent chapter of my life, I had occasion to be a regular visitor to a hospital cafeteria. One of the other regular visitors I noticed, in particular.

It was a beautiful young woman, endowed with an enviable bust. She persisted in wearing shirts that prominently displayed this feature. As my father used to say, those were nice shirts she almost had on. Her behavior, too, clearly indicated that she wanted to show off her business to its best advantage; I felt like I should go over and say, “damn, girl, congratulations on the rack!”

Whenever she leaned over her table to set her tray down, those babies were hangin’ out there perilously, risking complete exposure. For some reason, I began to fear that they might even create more danger. I began to have a vision . . .

. . . One day leans over to set her tray down, and those boobs hang lower…and lower…until they have a bungee-cord effect. And sure enough, DAMN if those suckers don’t bounce all the way down to the table, snap back up just like a bungie jumper off a bridge, and smack her right in the head!

. . . Paramedics are called; the girl is out cold for at least 10 minutes. But the paramedics can’t handle this situation, and even fear to approach the dangerous objects. A HazMat team is called in, and they arrive wearing full protective garb. This also proves inadequate, and the hospital puts in an urgent request to FEMA, the Federal Emergency Management Agency. . .

. . . Between the lot of them, the situation is soon, er, in hand. But the owner of the Bust suffers a concussion, and a crane is used the haul away them right next to the gurney on which the young woman is laid. . .

. . . The United Nations sends representatives; they assess the existence of a new weapon capable of wiping out a small city. The Russian ambassador to the United States issues a statement that his nation will soon develop a similar weapon, to encourage mutual deterrence. . .

. . .The hundred or so patrons of the cafeteria have one of two reactions: Strong men faint and upon awakening, swear only to date A cups or less. Women run to nurses in the room and beg for Ace bandages to wrap over their chests.

End of daydream. But I wondered what the young woman was trying to accomplish by displaying her assets so prominently. Sure, we all want to show off something we’re proud of, but safety must be considered. As the owner of a set that is much larger than I’d prefer, I can vouch that they are indeed a hazard (but I knew I was losing weight when I had to shove them out of the way to see my stomach). Performing certain stretching exercises, you are in danger of suffocation. That one stretch where you lie on your back and bring your legs up and over your head until your toes touch the floor behind you, for instance. Your boobs flop back on your throat during this maneuver and you can’t breathe.

Then there’s the body armor any woman with cup size B or larger often feels the need to wear during high-impact exercise, if you don’t want your breasts to bounce around so much you feel like they’re going to rip right off your chest wall. Dressing in one of these evil garments is like trying to cram 10 pounds of organic fertilizer compound into a 5-pound bag. The manufacturers should really rate these things for degree of difficulty in putting them on. When they finally are on, it’s almost impossible to breathe due to the pneumatic-press constriction.

On my way to a martial arts class one day, I was running late, so I put on my exercise bra while I was driving, when stopped at traffic lights, somehow wriggling into it under my tee shirt. I finally got the blasted thing on, and my chest was mashed as flat as Play-Doh under the grubby fist of a four-year-old.

But when I got out of the car, the car wouldn’t let go. Seems I’d fastened the bra on over the seat belt. Fixing this problem made me even later for class and got me into trouble with my instructor, as my classmate fell over laughing when I told her what had happened.

Men are also endangered. More than once I’ve seen emergency workers attempting to get cars down out of trees, which their drivers drove them up whilst distracted by a buxom display on nearby sidewalks.

Concussion. Public panic. Suffocation. Auto accidents. And just plain old inconvenience. These are only a few of the potential hazards for which we women might be responsible. So, for the safety and well-being of the general public, ladies, take a hint from some signs in the city: Leash, curb and clean up after your bust.

TODAY’S QUESTION: What other dangers can you imagine from Busts not kept on a Leash?

© Naomi Godfrey 2008