Scream All You Want

Author's Note: The columns in this blog are written with a heavy metal sensibility in mind. Metal is not just music, but a way of observing the world. These posts will be like metal: edgy, angry, sarcastic, with elements of humor, and with some deeper thought, so you won't feel like you wasted your time reading them.

Scream all you want. This should be obvious to anyone at a heavy metal music concert, but perhaps not at other times -- times of difficulty or pain. Often people are admired for remaining silent during excruciating moments. I began pondering this issue years ago, when a friend boasted that his wife had not uttered a sound during the birth of their daughter.

Why is suffering in silence brag-worthy? Is there an award for not screaming when you’re in pain? Does this qualify you for a special engraving on your tombstone? Does that mean it’s shameful to scream even during childbirth? Or does childbirth etiquette clearly state “no screaming,” when in fact you cannot control the sounds issuing from your mouth, sounds that render your straining voice box utterly hoarse?

As Mr. and Mrs. Braggy-head related this tale, I merely smiled and tilted my head in approval. There the object of admiration sat, serenely, demurely, listening to her husband’s boasts.

I wasn’t aware that awards were given for not screaming during childbirth, nor that one could have engraved on one’s tombstone, “she didn’t scream during childbirth.” Years later, the thought of not screaming as I labored with my own children (on two separate occasions) never occurred to me –- even with the possibility of the Didn’t-Scream Award and Didn’t-Scream tombstone-engraving. Well, there are two awards I’ll never win.

When Mr. and Mrs. Braggy’s children had some years under their belts, the couple let it be known that they were divorcing. Maybe if she’d screamed during labor they wouldn’t be divorced. All that repressed emotion would find an exit.

The S/he Never Uttered a Complaint Award next came to mind as my parents lay dying (again, two separate occasions). I thought of others who had died after a disease or unbearable condition. Sometimes their relatives said about them, “they never complained, never uttered one word” about their suffering during their terrible illnesses. Seems to me that if there were another time in life when you could complain all you wanted, it would be while suffering from a terrible illness that would lead to the end of your life.

A dying person of any age must think, hell, I’m not getting to do even half of what I wanted to do! And here I’m going to die, and I feel miserable and can’t even enjoy eating my favorite foods, or smoke a ciggie, or drink. I could be eating like a pig, but this illness has taken away my appetite, my senses of smell and taste and made me throw up constantly. But the one thing that society normally frowns upon that I CAN do is scream.

But even if a posthumous award exists, you wouldn’t get to enjoy being a recipient, and what the hell good is that? I’d want to be feted and honored while I was still alive to enjoy it. On the other hand, if you did receive the award whilst alive, you’d feel too miserable to enjoy it. It wouldn’t matter if there was an honorary Oscar For Not Complaining While Dying, or a special Nobel For Most Silence While Giving Birth. Screaming seems the only enjoyable option.

If we end up Someplace after dying, would you receive an award there? There’s no way to know. Therefore, you might just as well complain. I’m not privy to God’s thoughts, but surely He wouldn’t send you to the Other Place for complaining during illness. God gave us the ability to scream, and that's as big a license to scream as you could want.

If I was dying before I’d lived to a ripe old age, I’d be pissing and moaning whenever I was conscious and strong enough to do so. Surely no-one would dare criticize me for screaming and complaining over this. Though I’m certain plenty of such emotionally stingy people exist out there, people who believe one must strive for perfection even in the midst of agony.

Must admit I had the luxury to think this because, sitting beside my mother in the hospice, I didn’t have to listen to her at all. She had lost most of her capacity for speech. And a year and a half later, my father, dying in the hospital, also could no longer speak. Whatever they were going through, they deserved an award, whether they would have screamed or not.

So I herewith announce that all those who DO scream will be issued awards for Most Fearless Screaming Performance. Let’s strip away the meaningless rules about not screaming and complaining, for they only serve those who are uncomfortable with people who let it all hang out. And as metalheads, letting it all hang out is what we do.

A character in the film Grand Canyon states that if you are alive long enough, you will surely know difficulty. So, with a couple of common-sense exceptions – step outside if you feel like screaming at a friend’s wedding, for instance -- you should get to scream all you want.

©Naomi Godfrey 2008

Coming on Tuesday: Find out why your favorite candy is a "Confection Deception."